Can't Go to Work After Pet Loss - Deciding on Time Off and What to Tell Your Workplace
Deciding What to Do When You Can't Go to Work After Pet Loss - Three Axes for Resting or Going In
The day after you say goodbye to your pet, or a few days later, you may be awake but your body will not move toward the front door. What you need on a morning like that is not a test of how strong your feelings are, but an assessment of whether you can safely handle your usual work today. Deciding whether to rest or go in based on three axes, namely sleep, how your tears come, and the risks in your work, rather than on the depth of your grief itself, can sometimes make the choice less hard.
Sleep is the foundation of judgment. If you keep waking up many times in the night or cannot fall asleep until dawn, your concentration and attention decline. As for tears, crying in itself is not a bad thing. But whether they well up suddenly in front of others or come when you are alone makes a big difference to how manageable your day at work is. The other axis is whether your work involves hazardous tasks. Driving, handling knives or heavy machinery, tasks where mixing up medications is not allowed, and jobs watching over children, patients, or older people are all settings where a moment of absent-mindedness can lead to an accident.
| What to look at | Probably fine to go in | Better to rest or lighten your workload |
|---|---|---|
| Sleep | Trouble falling asleep, but getting a few hours in total | Nights with almost no sleep have continued for 2 or more days |
| Where your tears come | They come at home or when alone, but you can hold them back in front of others | You cannot stop them even while commuting or in the middle of a conversation |
| Risks in your work | Desk work or similar, where mistakes can be fixed later | Driving, knives or machinery, giving medication, or tasks watching over people's safety |
| Eating | Eating less, but managing to get something down | Taking in almost nothing except fluids |
| Your body in the morning | Sluggish, but able to get ready | Sitting down partway through dressing or washing your face |
If even one item in the right-hand column applies and it is in the row on risks in your work, it is safer to take the day off or to be switched to less hazardous tasks just for that day. If only the sleep or tears rows apply, there are in-between choices too, such as going in for just half a day or starting in the afternoon. On a day when the eating or morning body row falls in the right-hand column, put restoring your body ahead of going to work, take the day off, and start with fluids and whatever you can manage to eat. If that state continues for many days, also see the guide to seeing a doctor in a later section. Even on a day you decide to go in, setting up a way to leave partway through in advance can ease the tension at work a little.
If the guilt does not go away after you decide to take the day off, it becomes easier to sort out if you treat feeling bad about taking time off as a separate burden from grief. Grief is something you live with over time, while guilt is something you can shrink by contacting your workplace and making arrangements.
Bereavement Leave and How to Take Time Off - How Many Days Should You Stay Off Work?
Whether you can use special leave, such as bereavement leave, when a pet dies differs from company to company. Some workplaces have a provision for it in their work rules, and others have none at all. On a morning when you cannot spare the effort to check, you can act faster by thinking in terms of leave you can already use, such as paid leave, half-day leave, or hourly leave.
There is no rule about the right number of days. What to go by is not the number of days but what you will do during the time off. On days with tasks that keep your hands busy, such as arranging cremation or a memorial, sorting through belongings, or contacting your regular veterinary clinic, the purpose of the time off is clear. If you keep shutting yourself in at home even after those tasks are done, some people find it harder to return the longer they extend their leave, while others can recover with 1 more day. You can get a sense of which you are closer to by whether, the night before, you can concretely picture "what I will do on my next workday." If you can picture it, you are getting ready to return; if just picturing it makes it hard to breathe, you are at the stage of resting a little longer or discussing a return that starts with shorter hours.
| Way to take time off | When it fits | Things to watch |
|---|---|---|
| Take 1 day off | The day of the goodbye or the day after, with tasks such as cremation | Settle the day before how you will handle going in the next day |
| Take 2-3 days off | Besides the tasks, your sleep and eating have not yet recovered | Partway through, update your manager just once and promise a return date |
| Half-day or hourly leave | Mornings are especially hard, or you have errands in the evening | Check first whether the system is available to you |
| Go in and have your workload lightened | Being where people are calms you more than resting | Have someone take over hazardous tasks |
In a workplace where it is hard to ask for paid leave, one approach is, rather than negotiating the number of days, to tell them with the end attached: "I'll be off today and tomorrow, and I'll be in from the day after." Time off with a visible end also makes it easier for the person receiving it to plan.
Three Sample Messages and How to Respond to "It's Just a Pet" - What to Tell Your Manager and Coworkers
What you tell your workplace can be chosen according to how much you want to share. You are under no obligation to give the real reason; as a message, it is enough if they know you are taking time off and the day you will be back. The three below are sample messages arranged from the one that says the least.
Taking Time Off Without Giving the Reason
"Due to a family matter, I'll be taking today off. From my next workday, I'll be working as usual. I've handed urgent items over to [name]." It is treated the same as caring for a sick family member or a sudden errand, so this phrasing is unlikely to invite prying. If asked later, it is enough to answer, "Things have been a bit hectic at home."
Telling the Truth and Taking Time Off
"The dog I'd lived with for many years died last night. I have arrangements to make for the farewell, so please let me take today off. I'll be back on my next workday." Adding a word that the dog was like family makes it easier for the other person to picture the situation. With a manager who has kept animals, this single sentence may be enough to get it across.
Going In and Asking for Consideration
"Actually, I've just lost the cat I had, so my concentration may be a little off today. It would help if someone could cover the phone-heavy front desk just for today. I'm sorry if I step away from my desk at some point." The key to this sample is to assume you are going in and to say specifically what you want to ask for.
The person you tell may reply, "It's just a pet" or "You can always get another one." If you then try to explain the weight of your grief to make them understand, the more words you pile on, the more drained you become. At work, briefly brushing it off with "You're right, I'll get my work done" and steering the conversation back to work is the way to protect yourself. You can leave being understood to places outside work, with people who have also said goodbye to an animal.
| What they said | A short reply | A reply to avoid |
|---|---|---|
| It's just a pet, right? | Maybe so. Work is fine | Explaining at length that they are just like family |
| You can get another one | I'll think about it | Shooting back that no one can replace them |
| How long are you going to stay down? | I'll be back soon | Confessing that you don't know yourself and getting blamed for it |
When Tears Come at Work - Living Alone, Busy Seasons, and Customer-Facing Jobs
On a day you go in, the hardest part is tears welling up at an unexpected moment. You see a package the same color as a favorite treat at the vending machine in the break room, or there is a photo of a dog on a client's desk. Triggers like these cannot be avoided. Rather than blaming yourself for being unable to stop crying, it helps more to decide in advance on a place where you can step away for a few minutes when it wells up. Examples are a restroom stall, a landing on the emergency stairs, or your car in the parking lot if you drive to work. Having a place where you can wash your face, or a handkerchief to cool your eyes, can reduce the awkwardness when you return.
Living Alone, With No One Waiting at Home
For example, you manage to hold on at work, only to break down the moment you open the front door and there are no footsteps coming to greet you. In this case, home is harder than work, so taking the day off means spending the whole day in that silence. If being at work, where there are people's voices, is easier than staying home, that is one choice too. To shorten the time after you get home, you can break up the length of the evening with small steps such as stopping by a busy shop on the way home or setting a time to talk with a friend you can call. If sleepless nights continue, go back to the sleep row in the table and consider taking time off.
In a Busy Season, When Taking Time Off Burdens Others
This is a period such as before a deadline, the financial closing, or an event, when you know that taking time off will add to someone's overtime. If you force yourself to go in here and make a big mistake, the burden on those around you grows more than if you had taken the day off. The more you feel you cannot take time off, the more it helps to ask for a smaller scope, such as "just the morning" or "could someone cover just today's meeting," rather than a full day, because it makes it easier for others to agree. It is also worth promising yourself that you will take 1 day off once the busy season is over.
In Customer-Facing Work, Where You Are Expected to Smile
These are settings such as retail, food service, reception, and caregiving, where behaving cheerfully in front of people is part of the job. There are many triggers, such as a customer coming in with a dog or being asked about pets, and keeping your expression steady itself takes energy. In this case, the realistic step is to ask your manager specifically, "Could I do more behind-the-scenes work today?" If you have to be out front, prepare just one reply for when someone brings up pets. If you take in what they say with "How lovely, so cute" and leave it there, you can avoid touching on your own situation.
What Should You Do If You Want to Quit Your Job - The Line for Putting Off the Decision and When to Seek Help
After saying goodbye, you may feel, "I no longer see the point of working" or "I want to quit this job." When the one who waited every day for you to come home is gone, it can feel as though part of your reason for working and earning has dropped away. But right after a major loss, things look different from usual. It is safer to put off decisions you cannot undo later, such as quitting, changing jobs, or moving, until your grief settles a little.
Putting it off does not mean you have to deny your feelings. Leave the feeling of "I want to quit" as it is, and set only the deadline for deciding further ahead. For example, you promise yourself not to decide for about 1 month after the goodbye, and think it over again when that day comes. If your feelings have not changed even then, and you realize you had been unhappy with the job itself for some time, that is worth facing as a work problem, separate from the grief of losing your pet.
| Where the wish to quit comes from | Clues to tell them apart | Steps that suit it |
|---|---|---|
| The emptiness right after the loss | Before the goodbye, you had no major complaints about the job | Put off the decision and see how things go with time off and adjusted duties |
| Long-standing unhappiness with the job | You were thinking of quitting even before the goodbye | Once you have settled down, sort out your conditions and consider options such as changing jobs |
| Physical or mental health problems | A state of not wanting to do anything continues, not only about work | See a doctor or seek counseling before making the decision |
If you feel closer to the third row of the table, caring for your body and mind comes before decisions about work. If states such as being unable to sleep or eat continue for about 2 weeks, or days pile up where everything feels heavy from the moment you wake up, that is a sign to consider seeing a psychosomatic medicine clinic, a psychiatrist, or your regular internist. If you want to talk to someone before seeing a doctor, there is Kokoro no Mimi (phone / LINE support for workers), which takes concerns from working people, and the Mental Health Consultation Dial (0570-064-556), which connects you to local public consultation services. Both have set hours, so at night or on days off you can call the Yorisoi Hotline, which is open 24 hours. You can check which services you can reach right now at Helplines Open Now.
How to Spend Your First Week Back at Work
In the week you return, you can consider it a success if you manage about 70% of your usual work. If possible, push important decisions and taking on new work to the following week or later. Secure time to be alone during your lunch break, and use it as time when it is all right to look at photos if you want to. Rather than bottling up your grief so that none of it shows at work, deciding on a time and place where it is all right to let it out can sometimes reduce how often it overflows unexpectedly while you are working.
At the end of the week, look at the first table again. If any of sleep, where your tears come, or eating has shifted even slightly toward the left-hand column, you are making progress on the way back. If every row is still in the right-hand column, that is not a matter of willpower. Talk with your manager about adjusting your duties, or try talking to the services in the previous section.
How long it takes for grief to settle differs from person to person, and being able to return to work is not the same as your grief being over. Find one person outside work with whom you can talk at ease about the companion you said goodbye to. That becomes a support for balancing the days you go to work with the time you spend grieving.
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