Coping with a Sexless Relationship - Taking the First Step to Break the Silence

Sexless Relationships Are Not Unusual - What the Numbers Show

In a definition it updated in June 2024, the Japan Society for Sexual Science describes sexlessness as a situation in which, without any special circumstances being present, a couple has had neither consensual intercourse nor sexual contact for one month or longer, and this is expected to continue for a long time thereafter. In a survey conducted by the Japan Family Planning Association in 2016, approximately 47 percent of married individuals were reported to be in a sexless state.

That Japan sits on the higher side in international comparisons has been pointed out repeatedly. Behind this are structural conditions specific to Japanese society: chronic fatigue from long working hours, the avoidance of sexual topics that comes with a culture of reading the mood rather than speaking plainly, and limited privacy due to small living spaces. Sexlessness is not merely a personal issue; to a large extent it is also produced by the social environment.

Organizing Common Causes into Three Layers

The causes of sexlessness are rarely singular; in most cases multiple factors are intertwined. Sorting them into three layers, physical, psychological, and relational, brings the starting point for a response into view.

Physical Factors

Fatigue, hormonal changes, chronic pain, and medication side effects (notably SSRI antidepressants, which are known to reduce libido) all affect sexual desire. After childbirth, elevated prolactin suppresses libido, and during menopause, declining estrogen causes vaginal dryness and pain during intercourse.

Psychological Factors

Stress, depression, poor body image, and past sexual trauma suppress sexual motivation. When the burdens of work and childcare pile up, the psychological room for intimate time with a partner disappears. Cases in which a fear of rejection, the feeling that being turned down would be too painful, leads someone to avoid initiating at all are also far from rare.

Relational Factors

Unresolved conflicts, poor communication, and shaken trust create sexual distance. As everyday dissatisfaction accumulates, the desire for physical closeness declines as well. In particular, the complaint that housework and childcare are divided unfairly is a factor that easily translates directly into reduced sexual interest.

Three Steps to Start the Conversation

1. Sort Out Your Own Feelings

Before talking to your partner, clarify what you feel and what you want. Putting specific emotions into words, such as loneliness, a wish for connection, or a desire to be touched, is the starting point. If you begin the conversation while your dissatisfaction is still vague, it easily drifts toward blaming the other person.

2. Use I-Messages

Instead of "you are at fault," use I-messages that say "this is how I feel." Making your own emotion the subject, as in "lately we have had less time together and I have been feeling lonely," softens your partner's defensive reaction. Timing matters too. Choose a calm stretch of a day off rather than a night when you are both tired.

3. Listen to Your Partner's Circumstances

Rather than talking one-sidedly, listen to your partner's situation and feelings as well. Assume that they also have their own reasons and circumstances, and aim for a conversation between equals. Ask "how do you feel about this?" and, if silence follows, wait without rushing them.

Cases Requiring Extra Caution

Addressing sexlessness sometimes calls for care. When only one partner sees it as a problem, the status quo may be perfectly comfortable for the other. It is important not to impose the premise that sexlessness must be resolved, and instead to look together for a relationship that feels comfortable to both.

In addition, when there is a history of sexual trauma, conversation alone may not be enough. Sexual avoidance rooted in trauma requires specialized care, and forcing the topic of sex carries a risk of worsening symptoms. In such cases, consider putting individual counseling first.

Seeking Professional Help

When the two of you find it hard to resolve on your own, consider couples counseling or sex therapy. Having a third party involved makes it possible to sort out emotional conflicts objectively. In Japan, sex counselors certified by the Japan Society for Sexual Science and couples therapy provided by clinical psychologists are available.

If you feel resistance to counseling, gaining knowledge from books or online resources first is also effective. Reading together with your partner can serve as a conversation starter. You can also learn from books that collect practical examples of couples therapy.

Do not rush. Resolving sexlessness can take anywhere from several months to several years. Rather than seeking short-term results, take a long-term view that reexamines the relationship as a whole. Deepening emotional connection, not just physical intimacy, ultimately leads to improvement in the sexual relationship as well.

Key Takeaways

• Sexlessness reaches close to half of married individuals, and Japan sits on the higher side in international comparisons
• Causes can be sorted into physical, psychological, and relational layers, and they intertwine in combination
• Start the conversation with I-messages instead of blame, and listen to your partner's circumstances too
• When sexual trauma is involved, put professional care first

Summary - Breaking the Silence Is the First Step to Rebuilding

Resolving a sexless relationship does not happen overnight. Breaking the silence and sharing how you each feel is the first step toward rebuilding the relationship. Rather than aiming for a perfect solution, looking together for a level of closeness that feels right for the two of you is what sustains the relationship over the long term.