Letting Go of "I Want to Be Normal" - Is "Being Like Everyone" Tormenting You?

The Illusion of "Normal"

"Get a normal job, get married normally, have children normally, buy a house normally." This "normal life course" was a model that took shape during Japan's period of rapid economic growth, and statistically it is becoming a minority even today. The lifetime unmarried rate is about 28% for men and about 18% for women. The non-regular employment rate is about 37%. Homeownership rates are declining. The very definition of "normal" has collapsed, yet the illusion alone survives.

Sociologist Emile Durkheim called the norms that society imposes on individuals "social facts." "Normal" is not an objective fact but a social construct created by a specific era and culture. What was "normal" 50 years ago is entirely different from today, and it will change again in another 50 years.

The Psychology of Being Bound by "Normal"

The Need to Belong

Humans are social animals with a need to belong to groups. Deviating from "normal" can mean exclusion from the group, which feels evolutionarily "dangerous." This fear drives the behavior of conforming to "normal" even against one's true feelings.

The Comparison Trap

Social media makes the standard of "normal" visible and forces comparison. Marriage announcements, promotions, photos of children from peers your age. Each time you see these, you feel "I'm falling behind." But what gets posted on social media is only life's highlight reel; the struggles and anxieties behind it remain invisible. (Books on social psychology can help you understand the psychology of comparison)

"Normal" Does Not Mean "Majority"

A common misconception is that "normal" equals "what most people are actually doing." In reality, what people describe as "normal" circulates like an unspoken atmosphere, regardless of whether anyone is perfectly practicing it. In a group where nobody speaks their honest feelings, everyone ends up believing "everyone else is doing this." Social psychology calls this "pluralistic ignorance." The "normal" you are trying to match is very likely a fictitious standard that nobody is actually executing flawlessly.

Four Steps to Letting Go of "Normal"

1. Identify Where Your "Normal" Comes From

When you feel "I should get married," is that your true desire, your parents' expectation, or society's convention? By identifying the source of the voice, you can distinguish your own desires from external expectations. In most cases, "normal" is not a standard you chose yourself but one you unconsciously inherited from others. Try writing it down on paper; you will be surprised how many of your "normals" trace back to the values of your parents' generation.

2. Find Role Models Who Are "Not Normal"

Countless people live happily outside society's "normal." People who lead fulfilling single lives, freelancers who work freely, couples who chose not to have children, people living abroad. Learning about concrete examples of "not normal" lifestyles expands your own options. An important note: you do not need to view a role model as "someone to imitate." Simply knowing "this way of life is viable" loosens the standards that bind you.

3. Adjust Your Distance from People Who Push "Normal"

"When are you getting married?" "No kids yet?" "Aren't you going to get a full-time job?" Reduce contact with people who repeatedly ask such questions, or set a boundary by saying "I'd rather not answer that." You have no obligation to explain your life choices to others. Note that many of these people have no malicious intent. They are simply handing you what they believe is "well-meaning advice" based on their own idea of "normal." That is precisely why you "adjust" the distance rather than severing the relationship entirely.

4. Clarify Your Own Values

Instead of "normal," clarify what you truly value. "Free time," "creative work," "deep relationships," "adventure," "stability." What you prioritize differs from person to person, and there is no right answer. Choices based on your own values lead to fewer regrets, even if they deviate from "normal." (Books on living authentically are also a good reference)

The Pitfall: Getting Drunk on "Rejecting Normalcy"

Letting go of "normal" and attacking "normal" are different things. Looking down on people who live conventionally as "mindless conformists" is just inverting the same standard. Truly being free from "normal" means not interfering with others' choice to follow it either. Just as your choice is valid, so is theirs. Only by maintaining this symmetry can you genuinely escape the spell of "normal."

Your Next Step

Start by identifying just one thing you keep doing without knowing why. Whether it is a job format, a relationship you maintain, or how you spend weekends. If you cannot articulate a clear reason for it, there is a good chance you are continuing it out of inertia because it seems "normal." Try letting go of one habit with no reason. That is the smallest experiment in letting go of "normal."

Summary

"Normal" is an illusion and does not know the right answer for your life. Letting go of "normal" is not deviating from society but choosing your own life for yourself. Your "not-normalness" is your individuality and your strength.