Letting Go of "I Want to Be Normal" - Is "Being Like Everyone" Tormenting You?
About a 3 min read.
The Illusion of "Normal"
"Get a normal job, get married normally, have children normally, buy a house normally." This "normal life course" was a model that took shape during Japan's period of rapid economic growth, and statistically it is becoming a minority even today. The lifetime unmarried rate is about 28% for men and about 18% for women. The non-regular employment rate is about 37%. Homeownership rates are declining. The very definition of "normal" has collapsed, yet the illusion alone survives.
Sociologist Emile Durkheim called the norms that society imposes on individuals "social facts." "Normal" is not an objective fact but a social construct created by a specific era and culture. What was "normal" 50 years ago is entirely different from today, and it will change again in another 50 years.
The Psychology of Being Bound by "Normal"
The Need to Belong
Humans are social animals with a need to belong to groups. Deviating from "normal" can mean exclusion from the group, which feels evolutionarily "dangerous." This fear drives the behavior of conforming to "normal" even against one's true feelings.
The Comparison Trap
Social media makes the standard of "normal" visible and forces comparison. Marriage announcements, promotions, photos of children from peers your age. Each time you see these, you feel "I'm falling behind." But what gets posted on social media is only life's highlight reel - the struggles and anxieties behind it remain invisible. (Books on social psychology can help you understand the psychology of comparison)
Four Steps to Letting Go of "Normal"
1. Identify Where Your "Normal" Comes From
When you feel "I should get married," is that your true desire, your parents' expectation, or society's convention? By identifying the source of the voice, you can distinguish your own desires from external expectations. In most cases, "normal" is not a standard you chose yourself but one you unconsciously inherited from others.
2. Find Role Models Who Are "Not Normal"
Countless people live happily outside society's "normal." People who lead fulfilling single lives, freelancers who work freely, couples who chose not to have children, people living abroad. Learning about concrete examples of "not normal" lifestyles expands your own options.
3. Adjust Your Distance from People Who Push "Normal"
"When are you getting married?" "No kids yet?" "Aren't you going to get a full-time job?" Reduce contact with people who repeatedly ask such questions, or set a boundary by saying "I'd rather not answer that." You have no obligation to explain your life choices to others.
4. Clarify Your Own Values
Instead of "normal," clarify what you truly value. "Free time," "creative work," "deep relationships," "adventure," "stability." What you prioritize differs from person to person, and there is no right answer. Choices based on your own values lead to fewer regrets, even if they deviate from "normal." (Books on living authentically are also a good reference)
Summary
"Normal" is an illusion and does not know the right answer for your life. Letting go of "normal" is not deviating from society but choosing your own life for yourself. Your "not-normalness" is your individuality and your strength.