Coping with a Sexless Relationship - Taking the First Step to Break the Silence

About a 4 min read.

Sexless Relationships Are Not Unusual - What the Numbers Show

The Japan Society for Sexual Science defines a sexless relationship as one in which a couple has had no sexual intercourse or sexual contact for at least one month without any special circumstances. According to a survey by the Japan Family Planning Association, approximately 47 percent of married individuals are in a sexless state.

This figure is notably high by international standards. Similar surveys in Western countries report sexless rates of around 15 to 20 percent, making Japan's rate more than double. Contributing factors include chronic fatigue from long working hours, a cultural tendency to avoid discussing sexual topics, and limited privacy due to smaller living spaces. Sexlessness is not merely a personal issue; it is significantly shaped by social and environmental conditions.

Organizing Common Causes into Three Layers

The causes of sexlessness are rarely singular; multiple factors typically intertwine. Categorizing them into physical, psychological, and relational layers helps identify where to begin addressing the issue.

Physical Factors

Fatigue, hormonal changes, chronic pain, and medication side effects (notably SSRI antidepressants, which are known to reduce libido) all affect sexual desire. After childbirth, elevated prolactin suppresses libido, while during menopause, declining estrogen causes vaginal dryness and pain during intercourse.

Psychological Factors

Stress, depression, poor body image, and past sexual trauma suppress sexual motivation. When work and caregiving demands pile up, the psychological capacity for intimate time with a partner diminishes. Fear of rejection, where one avoids initiating intimacy out of fear of being turned down, is also a common but often overlooked factor.

Relational Factors

Unresolved conflicts, poor communication, and eroded trust create emotional distance that manifests as physical distance. Daily resentments accumulate and gradually diminish the desire for closeness. In particular, perceived unfairness in the division of housework and childcare is a factor that directly correlates with decreased sexual interest.

Three Steps to Start the Conversation

1. Clarify Your Own Feelings

Before approaching your partner, identify what you are feeling and what you need. Articulating specific emotions such as loneliness, a desire for connection, or a wish for physical touch provides a clear starting point. Starting a conversation from vague dissatisfaction tends to steer it toward blame.

2. Use I-Messages

Frame the conversation around your feelings rather than your partner's shortcomings. Saying "I've been feeling lonely because we haven't had much time together lately" instead of "You never want to be intimate" reduces defensiveness and opens dialogue. Timing matters too; choose a calm moment on a weekend rather than a tired evening. (You can find practical dialogue examples in books on couple communication)

3. Listen to Your Partner's Perspective

Avoid making the conversation one-sided. Your partner likely has their own reasons and feelings. Approach the discussion as equals seeking mutual understanding. Ask "How do you feel about this?" and be patient if silence follows; do not rush them.

Cases Requiring Extra Caution

Addressing sexlessness sometimes requires careful consideration. When only one partner views the situation as a problem, the other may be perfectly comfortable with the status quo. It is important not to impose the assumption that sexlessness must be resolved, but rather to explore what a comfortable relationship looks like for both.

Additionally, when past sexual trauma is involved, conversation alone may not be sufficient. Sexual avoidance rooted in trauma requires specialized care, and forcing the topic of sexuality can risk worsening symptoms. In such cases, consider prioritizing individual counseling before addressing the issue as a couple.

Seeking Professional Help

If conversations stall or emotions run too high, couples counseling or sex therapy can provide a structured environment for progress. A trained therapist helps both partners express needs without blame and develop actionable plans. In Japan, certified sex counselors accredited by the Japan Society for Sexual Science and clinical psychologists offering couples therapy are available.

If counseling feels like too big a step, starting with books or online resources is also effective. Reading together with your partner can serve as a conversation starter. (Practical examples of couples therapy can also be found on Amazon)

Patience is essential. Resolving sexlessness can take months or even years. Rather than seeking quick results, take a long-term perspective that encompasses the entire relationship. Deepening emotional connection, not just physical intimacy, ultimately leads to improvement in the sexual relationship as well.

Key Takeaways

• Approximately half of married individuals experience sexlessness, with Japan's rate notably high internationally
• Causes span physical, psychological, and relational dimensions and often intertwine
• Use I-messages to start non-blaming conversations and listen to your partner's perspective
• When sexual trauma is involved, prioritize professional care

Summary - Breaking the Silence Is the First Step

Resolving a sexless relationship does not happen overnight. The most important step is breaking the silence and sharing how you feel. Rather than aiming for a perfect solution, focus on finding a level of intimacy that feels right for both of you. That collaborative approach is what sustains long-term relationships.