Addressing a Sexless Relationship - Rebuilding Intimacy When Touch Disappears
About a 3 min read.
The Reality of Sexless Relationships
According to a survey by the Japan Family Planning Association (2020), about 47% of married couples have had no sexual intercourse for at least one month, a state defined as "sexless." This figure has been trending upward year after year and is exceptionally high among developed nations.
Sexlessness is not merely a matter of "frequency." A decline in physical touch is linked to a widening emotional distance. Non-sexual physical contact such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing often decreases simultaneously, and the overall quality of the partnership deteriorates.
Major Causes of Sexless Relationships
Fatigue and Stress
Long working hours, childcare, and household chores. Average working hours in Japan are among the longest in developed countries, and it is only natural that there is no energy left for sexual desire after coming home. In dual-income households especially, both partners are exhausted and the priority of sexual activity drops.
Communication Breakdown
Many couples cannot put their sexual frustrations and desires into words. "I'm afraid of being rejected." "I don't want to hurt my partner." "Talking about sex is embarrassing in the first place." This avoidance accumulates, and sexual communication shuts down entirely. Once it stops, finding an opportunity to restart becomes even harder, creating a vicious cycle.
Physical and Medical Factors
Hormonal changes (menopause, postpartum, aging), erectile dysfunction (ED), pain during intercourse, and medication side effects (about 70% of antidepressants affect sexual function). These are not matters of willpower but cases requiring medical attention. (Books on sexless relationships can help you understand the causes in detail)
Four Steps for Rebuilding
1. Start with Dialogue
Resolving sexlessness begins not with resuming sexual activity but with dialogue. "I've noticed we haven't been physically close lately - how do you feel about that?" Rather than blaming, create a space to share each other's feelings. It is more effective to talk in a relaxed setting like the living room or a cafe rather than the bedroom.
2. Resume with Non-Sexual Physical Touch
Trying to resume sexual activity all at once creates too much pressure. Start with non-sexual physical contact such as holding hands, hugging, and giving each other massages. "Sensate focus," a technique used in sex therapy, begins with touching each other's bodies while prohibiting genital contact, gradually restoring intimacy step by step.
3. Let Go of "Perfect Sex"
The "ideal sex" portrayed in movies and pornography is far removed from reality. You do not need to reach orgasm every time, and penetration is not mandatory. Touching, feeling warmth, confirming your connection - that alone is a meaningful sexual experience. It is important to realize that perfectionism raises the barrier to sex. (Books on partnership are also a good reference)
4. Consult a Professional If Needed
If sexlessness has persisted for a long time, couples counseling or sex therapy can be effective. Consulting a sex counselor certified by the Japan Society of Sexual Science or a specialist in urology or gynecology makes it possible to identify and address medical causes.
Summary
Sexlessness is not one partner's "fault" but a relationship issue. Start a dialogue, resume with small touches, and do not demand perfection. These three attitudes are the key to reclaiming lost intimacy.