Setting Healthy Boundaries - For Those Who Can't Say "No"
About a 3 min read.
What Are Boundaries?
In psychology, boundaries refer to "the physical, emotional, and mental lines you draw between yourself and others." Boundaries are often compared not to a "wall" but to a "fence." A wall lets no one through and creates isolation, but a fence has a gate that allows the people you choose to pass through.
People with weak boundaries feel responsible for others' emotions, cannot refuse others' requests, and put their own needs last. The result is chronic exhaustion, accumulated anger, and deteriorating relationships. Brene Brown has said, "The most compassionate people are the ones who set boundaries." Boundaries are not coldness; they are an expression of love that keeps relationships healthy.
Traits of People with Weak Boundaries
Feeling Responsible for Others' Emotions
When someone is in a bad mood, you feel "it must be my fault." You constantly watch your words to avoid upsetting others. Other people's emotions belong to them and are not your responsibility.
Unable to Say "No"
Driven by the fear that refusing will make you disliked or abandoned, you keep meeting others' demands beyond your own limits. As a result, your energy is depleted and resentment toward the other person builds up. (Books on boundaries can help deepen your understanding)
Unable to Recognize Your Own Needs
After years of prioritizing others' needs, you no longer know what you yourself want. When asked "What do you want to eat?" you can't answer. Recognizing your own desires is itself the first step toward restoring boundaries.
Four Practices for Setting Boundaries
1. Recognize Your Own Needs
"What am I feeling right now?" "What do I want?" "Where are my limits?" Ask yourself these questions on a daily basis. If you cannot recognize your own needs, you cannot set boundaries.
2. Start with Small "No"s
Refusing a major request right away is a high hurdle. "I can't work overtime today." "I have plans that day." "Let me think about it." By accumulating small "no"s, you build tolerance for saying no.
3. Refine How You Say "No"
"No" is not an attack; it is self-respect. "I'm sorry, but I can't help with this one." "That's outside my area, so please consult the right person." "I need some time for myself right now." Use expressions that are polite but clear. There is no need to give a lengthy explanation.
4. Endure the Guilt
Right after setting a boundary, you may feel strong guilt. This is not because "setting boundaries is wrong" but simply because "you were used to not setting them." The guilt is temporary and fades with repetition. (Books on assertiveness are also a helpful reference)
Summary
Setting boundaries is not an act that destroys relationships; it is an act that keeps them healthy. Recognize your own needs, start with small "no"s, and endure the guilt. This practice builds a self that is not controlled by others.