How to Listen When Someone Says "I'm Struggling" - Supporting Without Cornering

About a 3 min read.

"Not Knowing What to Say" Is Normal

When someone you care about is suffering, it is natural to feel pressured to say something helpful. However, what a struggling person needs most is not the perfect words but the feeling of being heard. Research in counseling psychology shows that approximately 30% of therapeutic effectiveness comes from the quality of the therapeutic relationship, that is, the sense of being listened to.

In other words, simply listening is far more important than finding the perfect thing to say.

What You Should Do

1. Close Your Mouth and Listen

When the other person is talking, do not interrupt. Even if silence continues, do not try to fill it. Silence is not "dead air"; it is time for the other person to sort through their emotions. Enduring silence is the most difficult and most valuable form of listening.

2. Reflect Their Emotions

"That sounds really tough," "It's completely natural to feel angry," "That must be sad." Putting the other person's emotions into words and reflecting them back is a fundamental counseling technique. The person feels that their emotions have been understood, making it easier for them to share at a deeper level. (Books on active listening can teach you specific techniques)

3. Don't Use "But"

"I understand it's hard, but..." This "but" is received as a message that denies the other person's feelings. "But try to think positively," "But other people have it worse," "But time heals everything." All well-intentioned, yet all minimize the other person's pain.

4. Hold Back on Advice

It is a natural impulse to want to offer solutions to someone who is suffering. However, in most cases, the person is not looking for advice. They want to be heard, not fixed. Offer advice only when the person explicitly asks, "What do you think I should do?"

What You Should Not Do

Don't Compare

"I went through the same thing," "Other people have it worse." Comparing suffering diminishes the other person's pain. Even if you have had a similar experience, their suffering is uniquely their own.

Don't Force Positivity

"Try to think positively," "Good things are sure to come," "Everything happens for a reason." These phrases are known as "toxic positivity" and function as messages that deny the other person's negative emotions.

Don't Hijack the Conversation

While listening to the other person, you might start saying, "Actually, I also..." and begin talking about your own experience. Even if it is meant as empathy, the other person feels that their story has been taken away. Right now, it is their time. (Books on communication can also be helpful)

Don't Forget to Take Care of Yourself

Continuously listening to others' suffering takes a psychological toll on the listener as well. To prevent this state, known as "compassion fatigue," please take care of yourself too. Take time to process your own emotions after listening, talk to someone you trust about how you feel, and if necessary, be honest and say, "I can't listen to any more today."

Summary

There are no perfect words for someone who is suffering. What is needed is to close your mouth and listen, reflect their emotions, and hold back on advice. Your willingness to listen is, in itself, the greatest support you can offer.