When You Lose Someone You Love - There Is No Right Way to Grieve
About a 3 min read.
Grief Is Not an Illness
The sadness, anger, confusion, and numbness that follow the loss of someone dear are all normal human responses to loss. Grief is not a disease to be cured - it is proof that you loved.
The "five stages of grief" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) proposed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are widely known, but modern grief research has shown that these stages do not progress in order. Grief is not linear; it comes in waves. Good days and bad days alternate, and months later, sadness may suddenly hit with the same intensity as the very beginning.
The Many Faces of Grief
Emotional Responses
Sadness, anger, guilt, relief (in cases of death after a long illness), loneliness, numbness. These emotions can coexist in contradiction. "I'm sad but can't cry." "I feel angry and then guilty about it." Every emotion is normal, and there is no "right way" to grieve.
Physical Responses
Loss of appetite or overeating, insomnia or oversleeping, chest tightness, fatigue, weakened immune function. Grief affects not only the mind but the body. Research showing that the mortality risk of a bereaved spouse rises by approximately 40% in the six months following loss ("broken heart syndrome") demonstrates the severity of grief's physical impact. (You can deepen your understanding through books on grief)
Cognitive Responses
Reduced concentration, memory decline, sensing the deceased's presence (hearing their voice, seeing their figure). These are normal grief responses, not symptoms of mental illness.
Four Ways to Protect Yourself While Grieving
1. Don't Deny Your Grief
"I shouldn't keep crying." "I need to be strong." This kind of self-suppression delays the grieving process. Cry when you want to cry, be angry when you want to be angry. Expressing your emotions is the most natural path to recovery.
2. Maintain Daily Routines
Even in the midst of grief, maintaining meals, sleep, and minimal physical activity is important. Even when you "don't feel like doing anything," getting up in the morning, taking a shower, and eating something - this minimal routine serves as a safety net preventing physical and mental collapse.
3. Seek Support
Please don't carry your grief alone. A trusted friend, family member, counselor, or bereavement group. Simply saying "I need someone to listen" is enough. No advice needed. Just being heard prevents isolation.
4. Postpone Major Decisions
Judgment is impaired during grief. It is recommended to postpone major decisions such as moving, changing jobs, or large purchases for at least one year. It is not uncommon to later regret decisions made in the depths of grief. (Books on grief care are also a helpful reference)
When Professional Help Is Needed
If grief continues for more than 12 months and significantly impairs daily functioning, "Prolonged Grief Disorder" may be present. Officially added as a diagnostic category in the DSM-5-TR, this condition responds well to specialized treatment (grief-focused cognitive behavioral therapy). If you feel "something is wrong with me for still grieving," please consult a psychiatrist or counselor.
Summary
There is no right form or right duration for the grief of losing someone dear. Your grief is proof of the depth of your love. Grieve at your own pace, seek help when you need it, and maintain the bare minimum of daily life. Time won't erase the grief, but it will gradually nurture the strength to live alongside it.