Escaping Domestic Violence - How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship
About a 3 min read.
The Reality of Domestic Violence
According to a Cabinet Office survey (2023), approximately 25% of women and 18% of men have experienced violence from a spouse. Domestic violence (DV) encompasses not only physical violence but also psychological abuse (verbal attacks, silent treatment, threats), economic abuse (withholding living expenses, forbidding employment), sexual violence (coercing non-consensual sexual acts), and social abuse (restricting contact with friends and family).
The most dangerous aspect of DV is that victims are made to believe it is their own fault. Abusers skillfully instill guilt, saying things like "You made me hit you" or "Anyone else would put up with it," distorting the victim's self-perception. This psychological control is the biggest factor making escape so difficult.
The Cycle of DV
DV researcher Lenore Walker demonstrated that DV follows a typical cycle: the tension-building phase (the abuser becomes increasingly irritable) → the explosion phase (violence occurs) → the honeymoon phase (the abuser apologizes and becomes affectionate). As this cycle repeats, victims continue to hope that "this time they will really change" and remain in the relationship.
However, DV escalates over time. What starts as yelling can progress to throwing objects, pushing, hitting, and ultimately life-threatening violence. (Books on DV can help you understand its structure)
Preparing to Escape Safely
1. Create a Safety Plan
Escape should be planned, not impulsive. Make copies of important documents (passport, insurance card, bank book, personal seal) and leave them with someone you trust. Confirm an emergency shelter and secure enough funds for immediate living expenses. Prepare gradually so the abuser does not notice.
2. Contact Support Services
DV consultation hotlines, spousal violence counseling and support centers, and police community safety divisions all accept confidential consultations. There is no need to hesitate because "the violence isn't that bad yet" or "I have no evidence." Simply reaching out can help you see your situation more objectively.
3. Preserve Evidence
Records of violence (dates, details, photos of injuries), audio recordings of verbal abuse, and screenshots of threatening messages all serve as critical evidence for protection orders and divorce mediation. However, if the abuser discovers you are collecting evidence, the danger increases, so always prioritize your safety.
4. Secure Post-Escape Living Arrangements
There are approximately 300 DV shelters (temporary protection facilities) nationwide, available free of charge. Systems are in place to support rebuilding your life after escape, including applying for public assistance, school transfer procedures for children, and restricting access to your resident registry (to prevent the abuser from finding your location). (Books on escaping DV can also be helpful)
For Those Who Feel "I Can't Escape"
Financial dependence, having children, being threatened with "I'll kill you if you leave." The barriers to escape are real and serious. However, DV worsens over time and almost never improves on its own. There is no guarantee that the "bearable for now" situation will last.
The violence you are experiencing is not your fault. The person who commits violence bears 100% of the responsibility.
Summary
Escaping DV requires not just courage but planning and support. Do not try to handle it alone; contact a support service. Safe places do exist. You have the right to live a life free from violence.