Facing a Parent's Dementia - The Day They Asked "Who Are You?"
About a 3 min read.
The Reality of Dementia Caregiving
According to estimates by Japan's Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare, the number of dementia patients in Japan reached approximately 7 million in 2025, meaning roughly 1 in 5 people aged 65 and over is projected to develop dementia. Dementia is a disease that fundamentally changes the lives not only of patients but also of their families.
The emotions experienced by families of a parent with dementia are complex: sadness, anger, guilt, exhaustion, and a unique sense of loss that comes from "losing someone who is still alive." This is called "ambiguous loss" - a grief without end, distinct from bereavement.
Emotions Families Face
Anticipatory Grief
Dementia is a progressive disease, and the knowledge that "it will only get worse" is ever-present. "Anticipatory grief" - mourning losses that have not yet occurred - is a suffering unique to dementia families. Your parent may remember your name today but forget it tomorrow. This uncertainty compounds the daily psychological burden.
The Cycle of Anger and Guilt
You snap at a parent who asks the same question over and over, then immediately feel guilty for getting angry at someone who is ill. Nearly every dementia caregiver experiences this cycle of anger and guilt. Anger is a natural emotion; it does not mean you are a cold person. (Books on dementia caregiving can deepen your understanding)
Loss of Identity
When a parent no longer recognizes you, it shakes your sense of identity: "Whose child am I?" The reversal of the parent-child relationship - the child now caring for the parent - also causes confusion about your own role.
Four Ways to Care While Protecting Yourself
1. Don't Bear Caregiving Alone
Dementia caregiving is too heavy a burden for one person. Community comprehensive support centers, long-term care insurance services (day services, short stays), and dementia cafes - make full use of every available social resource. It is important to remind yourself that "asking for help is not weakness."
2. Secure Time for Yourself
When a caregiver burns out, the quality of care also declines. Carve out at least a few hours each week completely away from caregiving. Respite care - temporary care services designed to give caregivers a break - exists precisely for this purpose.
3. Find a Place to Express Your Emotions
Dementia family support groups, counseling for caregivers, confiding in a trusted friend. Suppressing emotions over time raises the risk of depression and physical illness. Having a place where you can say "this is hard" is what makes long-term caregiving sustainable. (Books on caregiver mental health can also be helpful)
4. Cherish the Present
Dementia progresses, but today your parent is still here. Even if a perfect conversation is no longer possible, holding hands, listening to music together, or going for a walk - connections beyond words remain even as dementia advances. Focusing on "what is still here" rather than "what is being lost" is the key to finding warmth amid the sadness.
Summary
Having a parent with dementia means coexisting with grief that has no end. Don't bear it alone; use social resources, protect your own time, and find a place to express your emotions. And please cherish the time you have with your parent today. Your caregiving is more than enough.