Coping with the Struggle of Infertility - In a Tunnel with No End in Sight
About a 3 min read.
The Reality of Infertility
According to the WHO definition, infertility is the failure to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse. The Japan Society of Obstetrics and Gynecology reports that approximately 1 in 5.5 Japanese couples have experienced fertility treatment. Since the expansion of insurance coverage in 2022, the number of IVF cycles has reached roughly 500,000 per year - infertility is by no means a rare problem.
Yet the suffering of infertility is not well understood by society. Casual remarks like "When are you having kids?" or "You should hurry up" deeply wound those going through it. Social media flooded with pregnancy announcements and baby photos is a minefield for people struggling with infertility.
The Psychological Impact of Infertility
A Sense of Loss
Infertility is an "invisible loss." Nothing tangible has been lost, yet there is a feeling that "a future you assumed would come" has been taken away. This ambiguous loss is hard for others to understand, and there are few outlets for expressing the grief.
Self-Denial
"My body is broken." "I'm defective as a woman (or man)." Many people tie infertility to their self-worth. When the cause lies on their side, guilt toward their partner compounds the self-denial.
Impact on the Relationship
Fertility treatment places enormous stress on a couple's relationship. Sex becoming an obligation through timed intercourse, disagreements over treatment plans, anxiety about financial burden. The longer treatment continues, the greater the risk of deteriorating partnership quality. (Books on infertility and psychology can help deepen your understanding)
Four Practices to Protect Your Mental Health
1. Don't Deny Your Emotions
Anger, sadness, jealousy, despair. Every emotion that accompanies infertility is valid. Feeling jealous when a friend announces a pregnancy is a natural human reaction - it does not make you a bad person. Rather than suppressing emotions, it is important to express them in a safe space.
2. Manage Your Distance from Information
Mute pregnancy and birth-related posts on social media. Don't spend too much time in fertility treatment forums. Gather information only when needed and in the amount needed, and consciously distance yourself at other times. Balancing "gathering information" and "protecting your heart" is crucial.
3. Maintain a Life Beyond Treatment
When fertility treatment becomes the center of your life, your entire existence becomes hostage to treatment outcomes. Hobbies, work, friendships, travel. By consciously maintaining activities outside of treatment, you remain "a multifaceted person who also happens to be undergoing fertility treatment" rather than "a person defined by fertility treatment."
4. Seek Professional Psychological Support
Fertility counseling is effective for treatment decision-making, processing emotions, and improving communication with your partner. You can access reproductive psychology counselors certified by the Japan Society for Reproductive Psychology, or counseling services attached to fertility clinics. (Books on fertility treatment are also a great reference)
Choosing to Stop Treatment
Fertility treatment has no built-in endpoint. "Just one more cycle" can continue indefinitely. Choosing to stop treatment is not "giving up" - it is an active choice to reclaim your life. A life without children can be just as rich and meaningful.
Summary
The pain of infertility runs to a depth that only those who have experienced it can understand. Don't deny your emotions, manage your distance from information, maintain a life beyond treatment, and seek professional help when needed. Your worth is not determined by whether or not you can conceive.