For Men Struggling with Delayed Ejaculation - Facing the Distress of "Can't Finish"
About a 3 min read.
What Is Delayed Ejaculation?
Delayed ejaculation refers to a condition where, despite adequate sexual stimulation, ejaculation takes significantly longer than expected or does not occur at all. The DSM-5 diagnoses it when ejaculatory delay or absence occurs in approximately 75 to 100% of partnered sexual encounters for six months or more.
The prevalence is estimated at about 1 to 4% of men, but the actual number is likely higher since many avoid seeking help due to embarrassment. Compared to premature ejaculation, social awareness is low, and the misconception that "lasting long is a good thing" makes it difficult for those affected to open up about their struggles.
Causes of Delayed Ejaculation
Psychological Factors
Performance anxiety (the pressure of "I have to finish"), relationship issues with a partner, past sexual trauma, depression, and anxiety disorders. Performance anxiety is particularly prone to creating a vicious cycle, where the fear of "I might not be able to finish" actually prevents ejaculation.
Physical Factors
Age-related testosterone decline, diabetic neuropathy, spinal cord injury, and post-prostate surgery effects. Additionally, SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and other antidepressants are widely known to cause ejaculatory delay as a side effect. If you are taking any medication, consult your doctor. (You can learn more from books on male sexual function)
Masturbation Habits
A tight grip during masturbation (death grip) or dependence on a specific stimulation pattern can make ejaculation during partnered sex difficult. The brain becomes accustomed to the intensity and speed of stimulation from masturbation, making the stimulation from partnered sex feel insufficient.
How to Cope
1. Let Go of the Pressure
The most important step is releasing the idea that "ejaculation = the goal of sex." Even without ejaculation, you can enjoy touch, pleasure, and intimacy. Tell your partner "there's no need to fixate on ejaculation" to reduce pressure on both sides.
2. Reassess Your Masturbation Habits
Loosen your grip, slow down, try different stimulation patterns. Getting accustomed to stimulation intensity closer to partnered sex lowers the barrier to ejaculation. If there is dependence on pornography, practice masturbating without visual stimulation.
3. Focus on Sensation
Instead of making ejaculation a "goal," direct your attention to bodily sensations. Applying mindfulness techniques to sex - focusing on "what am I feeling right now" - frees you from performance anxiety. The sensate focus technique used in sex therapy is a step-by-step approach designed specifically for this purpose. (Books on sex therapy are also helpful)
4. Consult a Professional
If delayed ejaculation persists, a dual approach is effective: physical examination by a urologist and psychological work with a sex therapist. If medication side effects are the cause, discuss changing or reducing the medication with your doctor.
Impact on Partners
Delayed ejaculation also affects partners. They may fall into self-doubt, thinking "Am I not attractive enough?" or "Is my technique bad?" It is important to communicate openly that delayed ejaculation is a physical or psychological issue of the individual, not a reflection of the partner's attractiveness or skill.
Summary
Delayed ejaculation is not a shameful secret but a treatable issue. Let go of the pressure around ejaculation, reassess your habits, and seek professional help if needed. Above all, communicate to both yourself and your partner that ejaculation is not the only goal of sex.